The Record of What Actually Happened
Global newsrooms descend into linguistic chaos as broadcasters struggle to explain a 50-layered entendre that nobody actually asked them to explain.
A customer service agent working under the name “Chris Thompson” is in critical condition after what doctors are describing as a severe physiological response to his own remorse.
Miss Prudence Whitcombe-Hale of the Lancashire Women's Franchise League vanished on a Tuesday after leaning on her brother-in-law's electrotherapy cabinet. She reappeared eleven days later wearing a fleece and holding a paper cup with a green fish on it. She had been to 2026. She had notes.
Health officials are racing to contain a grotesque new epidemic sweeping the UK, with doctors now linking heavy consumption of traditional British cuisine to women’s cunts spontaneously turning inside out and ending up in the bin.
Scan data obtained by Reality Daily puts a fleshlight-shaped object one hundred and four metres beneath the Great Pyramid — with no shaft above it — and the two explanations offered on the record are that it is not of human manufacture and that the pharaohs used it to crank hog.
Prime Minister Mark Carney signed the order on Thursday with the calm expression of a man who had waited years for this exact moment. Effective immediately, the Canadian side of the Detroit River will be known as the Little Hands River.
An Israeli determination form designates a seven-year-old Palestinian child a warlord, using a printed checkbox the issuing office’s own glossary does not define, and covers the field stating the criteria with a bar 4.1 inches wide.
The world's most important oil chokepoint made a thirty-four-word statement about itself on 14 August, and no register on earth has a box to put it in.
