Prime Minister Carney Officially Renames Detroit River the “Little Hands River”
Prime Minister Mark Carney presents the official hand-size comparison chart during the renaming ceremony on the Canadian side of the border.
OTTAWA
Prime Minister Mark Carney signed the order on Thursday with the calm expression of a man who had waited years for this exact moment. Effective immediately, the Canadian side of the Detroit River will be known as the Little Hands River.
The announcement was delivered beside a large government chart comparing average adult male hand size to a much smaller measurement labeled only “Subject T.” Carney pointed at the chart twice, paused, and said, “The data is clear. The name has been corrected.”
Cabinet sources confirmed the decision required almost no debate. One official described the discussion as “the shortest and most satisfying meeting of the year.” Alternative proposals such as “The River of Unfinished Walls” and “Covfefe Creek” were discarded for lacking precision.
In Windsor, residents began taking photos with the new temporary signs within the hour. “It’s petty,” said one local, “but it’s our petty. Feels good.”
Across the water, reaction was less enthusiastic. Michigan officials released a one-line statement noting that the American side would continue using the previous name “out of basic dignity.” A fisherman near the Ambassador Bridge was overheard shouting something about “international waters” before giving up.
Canada Border Services Agency has been instructed to answer all questions about the new name with a flat “Correct” and no further comment. Early reports indicate staff are complying with unusual enthusiasm.
Cartographers are already updating federal maps. The bilingual designation will read: Little Hands River / Rivière des Petites Mains.
As of this evening the first permanent sign was being bolted into place near the Gordie Howe Bridge. Carney’s office declined to say whether additional geographic features are under review.