Husband Insists Baby Shower Was “Actually A Great Time,” Provides No Corroborating Witnesses
Greg Pattison, pictured at the baby shower, maintains that he “actually had a great time.”
RICHMOND, VA — Local man Greg Pattison, 37, emerged from his sister-in-law’s baby shower Saturday afternoon claiming, without evidence, that the three-and-a-half-hour event was “actually a great time.”
“No, I’m serious,” said Pattison, still holding a paper plate containing one deviled egg and a folded napkin he had been carrying since 1:15 p.m. “I met some people. Nice people. Denise’s cousin does something with logistics.”
Pattison, who was reportedly one of two men present and the only one not asleep in a recliner, said he “genuinely enjoyed” a game in which attendees estimated the circumference of the expectant mother’s abdomen using lengths of yarn. He finished eleventh out of twelve.
“I was close,” he said. “I was actually pretty close. The winner had an unfair advantage because she’s a nurse.”
Sources close to Pattison confirmed he sent his wife the text “how long do these go” at 1:41 p.m., followed by a photograph of a diaper cake at 2:03 p.m. with the caption “this is a cake made of diapers.” His wife, standing four feet away at the time, did not respond.
When pressed on the highlight of the afternoon, Pattison paused for eleven seconds.
“The punch was good,” he said. “There was a punch. It had sherbet floating in it, which I’d never seen. I asked about it and a woman named Carol explained the whole thing to me. That was — yeah. That was a real conversation I had.”
Pattison further maintained that he “didn’t even check the score once,” a claim contradicted by six separate witnesses and by Pattison himself forty minutes later, when he referred to the game as “a disaster from the opening drive.”
At press time, Pattison was standing in his driveway describing the event to a neighbor in increasingly enthusiastic terms, having apparently forgotten that he spent the final ninety minutes silently reorganizing gift bags by size.